A Doctor's Advice
"There is a fine line between doing our best versus depleting ourselves.
– Alice D. Ph.D.
We all play many roles in our lives. Learn how one caregiver found that playing too many roles – doctor, mother, wife, sister and friend – without taking time for herself takes a toll on everyone.
Caring for Me - Without Feeling Guilty
By Alice D., PhD and Lluminari expert
Why do we feel that being selfless is good? We believe that the more we do for others, the better person we are. Certainly when a loved one is sick or unable to care for their own needs, we want to relieve their suffering. We do feel better about ourselves when we do our best to comfort or nurture. But, there is a fine line between doing our best versus depleting ourselves. There have been several recent studies showing that caregivers who give too much of themselves pay the price both physically and psychologically. If you give to the point where you are suffering, your ability to meet the rest of life's demands is compromised, too.
There are two common problems facing most caregivers: feeling guilty about taking care of yourself, and the conviction that you are the only person who can provide the right care for your loved one. I went through this last summer when my mother was dying of breast cancer. I was exhausted playing all of my roles – mother to two small children, full time psychologist, wife, sister, friend… and being in charge of my mother's care. After much soul searching, I decided to go away for a weekend with my family, leaving my mother in the care of a friend, with a home health aide as back–up. It was the best decision I could have made. When I came back, I felt renewed and able to withstand the challenges. The break was good for all of us, my mother included. She was glad that I had taken some time for me; she had felt so guilty seeing me exhausted.
From my experience, you are not the best mother, daughter, wife, sister, or friend if you have depleted yourself. When you feel exhausted, resentment starts to build up, and the sick or disabled one can sense it. You may be the best one to care for your loved one, but most likely, you are not the only one who can keep them feeling cared for and safe.
Take baby steps – an hour here, part of an afternoon there, until you start to feel comfortable leaving for longer periods of time. And, you can also nurture yourself while you are caring for another. Play your favorite music, prepare food you crave, and even dance around the room with Fred Astaire.
Meeting your own needs is not about being selfish – it's about self–care.
